2019-End of Year

I've been putting off writing this entry, for obvious reasons. 2019 started out pretty great and was going great until summer hit me with unexpected heartbreak. We went on an amazing vacation to Missouri in July. The only thing that would have made it better was having Brooklen and Rob there the entire time. They stayed back for all-star baseball and I was so bummed about it. I remember walking down through the resort to the pool with my dad on the first or second day telling him how sad I was that they were missing the vacation and I could tell that my dad was equally upset about it. He had such a sad, pained look on his face; he felt so connected to Brooklen and it was tough to not have him there. Well, we received a bit of a miracle. Brooklen's team lost their second game on Wednesday night and they were able to fly out Thursday morning and spend the last couple of days of vacation with us. We packed everything in we could: fishing, swimming, paddleboarding, gaming, and we saw an awesome Dolly Parton show. When we entered the theatre, they took our picture. We all rolled our eyes about it and did our best to smile. We had to sit on the other side of theater from my mom and dad because they had bought Brooklen and Rob's tickets late. When my mom texted me and asked me to buy the photos for $45, I thought it was funny, but I did it anyway. Little did any of us know that it would be the last photo of my entire family together. On Friday, we went to an indoor adventure park. We did a ropes course, zip-lined, rock-climbed, and played laser tag. The kids loved it. On Saturday, we headed back home. The plane rides home were horrible. Long layovers and delays made it miserable and I had such about a bad attitude about the whole thing. I sent a few annoyed texts back and forth to my parents. They felt horrible that it took us so long to get back to Michigan. On Sunday, it was my dad's birthday. The kids face timed him and I said a quick, "happy birthday." I was still a little annoyed about the flight back home and he had a huge meeting with an international company for Superior Silica on Tuesday, so I knew I'd talk to him later in the week. On Monday, I remember feel an urge to call him, but I reminded myself that he was preparing for the meeting and he'd have more to tell me AFTER the meeting. On Tuesday morning, I got my girls up and took them to the gym early. I then went over to Melissa Wall's house to talk about Relief Society. We were supposed to have a presidency meeting later in the day, but I wouldn't be able to attend because I had offered to help a friend pack for a move. On my way home, about 9:30am, my mom called me. I didn't think twice about the fact that it was only 6:30 in Arizona, which is weird because usually a call early or late causes my anxiety level to rise. I picked up the phone and my mom told me that my dad had died. What? Why? How? My mind started spinning, my eyes were dry from shock, and I could barely think of what to say. My mom didn't know much and couldn't say much either so somehow we ended the call and I stumbled into my house to tell Brooklen. I'll be honest, most of the next couple of weeks are a complete blur. I'm still not quite sure how my heart survived those moments of pain and I'm still not totally sure how it is going to survive the years to come without my dad. Dear Dad, If you would have told me this is how this year would have ended, I would have kicked and screamed and told you you were wrong. The truth is, I don't think I would ever have been ready to let you go. Not at 110, not at 85, and certainly not at 67. You were always my anchor. You were the one person who I felt never judged me and who always saw me as I could be, not how I actually was. In your journal, you wrote, "Adrienne will always be a doll." I know that no matter what mistakes I made or how I acted, you always believed this. You always loved me with all your heart and savored every second you got to spend with me. So the question now is, "how do I go on in this world without you?" I've had this dreadful feeling for the last few months that keeps gnawing at me. I feel like just because you are gone, nothing is ever going to be as good as it could have been. My happiness will always be a little bit dull. It sort of feels like every great thing will only hit 95% from now on, instead of 100%. And I'm not really sure how to cope with these feelings. I have moments of joy with my family, but then it's all kind of spoiled as I start worrying about you and whether or not you feel sad you are missing out.