I've been meaning to sit down and write this post for about a week, but I just didn't have the words. I'm still not sure if I'll be able to find the words I want to write this post, but I am going to try. A little over 2 weeks ago, I was having an ordinary morning, doing the laundry, cleaning my kitchen, and prepping for our evening activities. I hopped on Instagram and my heart almost stopped as I read a post from one of my dearest friends, Brittni Schroeder. She posted a picture of Christ hugging a teenage boy, with the caption: "I know that my Redeemer lives and is ready to embrace you, sweet boy of mine." I knew immediately that something was very, very wrong and I had no doubt that there was something wrong with her oldest son, Gage. My anxiety level rose very fast and I sent her a text saying, "Britt, what happened?" I then tried to get a hold of Teryn and when she didn't answer, I desperately called her husband, Rob. I knew she wouldn't know what was going on and that she probably hadn't seen it, but I needed someone to talk to. As I was asking Rob Jensen if he had seen the text, a text came through from Brittni letting me know that Gage had shot himself and that they were waiting to donate organs and then he would pass. I started bawling on the phone and Rob relayed the message to Teryn and told me that she would call me write back. I spent the rest of the week so preoccupied with feelings of sadness and despair. Brittni was like a sister to me when we lived in Canton. I loved Gage so much. Britt's kids were part of our family. So many memories, so much time together, and yet I can hardly remember specific details about all the things we did together. Gage was electric; he was outgoing, smart as a whip, and was sure to be something great. Everyone knew that about him.
The funeral was in El Paso and while I wanted to go, I elected not to because of timing and cost and logistics. I still kind of regret not going out there for it, but there is nothing I can do about it now. I did, however, suck up my fear of flying alone and flew out to Utah for the viewing and burial. I left on a Thursday morning at like 4 in the morning and was back at 5:30 the next day. It was a long two days of flying and traveling, but I am so glad I made the trip just to hug Brittni and Adam and cry with them. When my flight got in to Utah, Teryn and I went out to lunch and then went to her house and changed and then drove 2 hours to Delta. We went to Brittni's mom's house and hung out for a couple of hours, but she was pretty busy and so we didn't talk much to her. It didn't really both me that we didn't get much time with her. Really, I flew there to hold her hand and cry with her.
The viewing was devastating. Watching the video that they played was so painful. So many of the pictures included were of the Gage that I remember. I was there with them. I remember those moments. I miss him. I still don't know very many details about the event. I am still wrapped up in worrying about how Brittni and Adam are grieving. I hope they won't lose themselves. I hope they will be okay. I hope their two younger kids will be okay.
Since Gage's death, I've held my babies so close, so many times. I can't even imagine the pain that Brittni and Adam feel. My family is my everything, they are my world. I've had so many moments the past 2 weeks were I've just held Brooklen in my arms and not wanted to let him go. I took pictures of Brooklen and Hurley today just being super silly. They were both in a really funny mood and were posing for me. I keep reminding myself that I need to be better at taking pictures, recording memories and embracing the moment. I also need to remember what's most important. It is so easy for my priorities to get confused and for me to put other things before my family. Hearing memories from Gage's very full and compassionate life and also watching Brittni and Adam experience a parent's worst nightmare has inspired me to be better. To be a better mother, a better wife, a better friend.wee
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