2017- Week 24

It's late and I am tired, but I had to sit and record a sweet moment from this week that I want to remember.  While the kids were getting ready for the bus earlier this week, I noticed that Hurley pulled out a paper from her backpack and was holding it. I asked her about it, and at first she didn't want to show it to me.  A few minutes later she came back to me and wanted me to read it and asked if I thought it was good.  It said, "Get Well Soon" on the front and the inside said something like, "Dear Mr. Eastman, thanks for being our bus driver.  We really appreciate it, well at least I do. Love, Hurley"

Apparently their bus driver has been gone for about a week.  In class, Hurley decided to make him that sweet card.  I love that girl.  Even though she is tough as nails and is super feisty, she is also kind, loving, and compassionate.

2017- Week 23

I've been meaning to sit down and write this post for about a week, but I just didn't have the words.  I'm still not sure if I'll be able to find the words I want to write this post, but I am going to try.  A little over 2 weeks ago, I was having an ordinary morning, doing the laundry, cleaning my kitchen, and prepping for our evening activities.  I hopped on Instagram and my heart almost stopped as I read a post from one of my dearest friends, Brittni Schroeder.  She posted a picture of Christ hugging a teenage boy, with the caption: "I know that my Redeemer lives and is ready to embrace you, sweet boy of mine."  I knew immediately that something was very, very wrong and I had no doubt that there was something wrong with her oldest son, Gage.  My anxiety level rose very fast and I sent her a text saying, "Britt, what happened?"  I then tried to get a hold of Teryn and when she didn't answer, I desperately called her husband, Rob.  I knew she wouldn't know what was going on and that she probably hadn't seen it, but I needed someone to talk to.  As I was asking Rob Jensen if he had seen the text, a text came through from Brittni letting me know that Gage had shot himself and that they were waiting to donate organs and then he would pass.  I started bawling on the phone and Rob relayed the message to Teryn and told me that she would call me write back.  I spent the rest of the week so preoccupied with feelings of sadness and despair.  Brittni was like a sister to me when we lived in Canton.  I loved Gage so much.  Britt's kids were part of our family.  So many memories, so much time together, and yet I can hardly remember specific details about all the things we did together.  Gage was electric; he was outgoing, smart as a whip, and was sure to be something great.  Everyone knew that about him.

The funeral was in El Paso and while I wanted to go, I elected not to because of timing and cost and logistics.  I still kind of regret not going out there for it, but there is nothing I can do about it now.  I did, however, suck up my fear of flying alone and flew out to Utah for the viewing and burial.  I left on a Thursday morning at like 4 in the morning and was back at 5:30 the next day.  It was a long two days of flying and traveling, but I am so glad I made the trip just to hug Brittni and Adam and cry with them.  When my flight got in to Utah, Teryn and I went out to lunch and then went to her house and changed and then drove 2 hours to Delta.  We went to Brittni's mom's house and hung out for a couple of hours, but she was pretty busy and so we didn't talk much to her.  It didn't really both me that we didn't get much time with her.  Really, I flew there to hold her hand and cry with her.

The viewing was devastating.  Watching the video that they played was so painful.  So many of the pictures included were of the Gage that I remember.  I was there with them.  I remember those moments.  I miss him.  I still don't know very many details about the event.  I am still wrapped up in worrying about how Brittni and Adam are grieving.  I hope they won't lose themselves.  I hope they will be okay.  I hope their two younger kids will be okay.

Since Gage's death, I've held my babies so close, so many times.  I can't even imagine the pain that Brittni and Adam feel.  My family is my everything, they are my world.  I've had so many moments the past 2 weeks were I've just held Brooklen in my arms and not wanted to let him go.  I took pictures of Brooklen and Hurley today just being super silly.  They were both in a really funny mood and were posing for me.  I keep reminding myself that I need to be better at taking pictures, recording memories and embracing the moment.  I also need to remember what's most important.  It is so easy for my priorities to get confused and for me to put other things before my family.  Hearing memories from Gage's very full and compassionate life and also watching Brittni and Adam experience a parent's worst nightmare has inspired me to be better.  To be a better mother, a better wife, a better friend.wee

2017-Week 18

On Monday, the kids had the day off of school.  We had Kaitlin and Ethan Menzies over all day while their parents worked.  The kids had a great time.  They played outside, we walked to the party store for drinks, and made soft pretzels.  The kids were supposed to have baseball games at night, but they ended up being canceled because of rain.

On Thursday morning, I threw a bridal shower with Nicole Depierro for Emma Krueger.  I don't know her very well, but her mom had asked me if I would help throw a shower for her.  It was a very small shower, but it was very nice and I think that Emma and her mom really appreciated it.

This week Kaiton started speech therapy.  I got to sit in the room for his appointment.  Although it was a bit frustrating to watch my three year old try to power through a therapy session, despite his lack of focus, I have a lot of hope for this process.  The therapist works primarily with the iPad, so I got the name of the app and I have started using it with him at home too.  I know I have to have a lot of patience because things like this don't fix themselves over night, but since I am a worrier, it's going to be hard for me!

The kids all had baseball games this week.  I am so proud of all of them; they have all been playing really great.  It is super hectic and the kids are learning that if they all want to play sports, Rob and I can't be at everything.  Brooklen and Hurley have a difficult time accepting this, but I think that it is a good lesson for them to learn.

After school on Friday, I took Hurley to get a haircut.  We've been planning to cut her hair for a couple of months, but we were waiting for meet season to be over.  Her hair has been pretty long for a long time and a couple of months ago, she decided that she wanted to try having it shorter.  It is so darling on her.  She looks so much older and I think it looks so much healthier.

Last weekend was opening day of baseball.  Hurley and Zaya played in the morning and then Hurley and I had to take off downstate to Hurley's state gymnastics meet.  Hurley did an awesome job at her meet.  The judges were really tough (especially on beam), but I was really proud of Hurley's performance; she did so well under pressure.  She ended up coming in 12th in the all-around and she medaled with a 9.100 (8th) on floor.

2017- Week 16

This past week I found out that Kaiton is for sure going to need speech therapy.  I also was miraculously able to get him into an ENT in the area to get his hearing tested.  His hearing test came back normal, so I'm not really sure why he has this speech impairment.  I am going to meet with the ESA on Friday morning to discuss their development plan for Kaiton and, hopefully, we can get started right away.  I am stressed about his need for speech, but I am optimistic and excited that we figured it out early.

Speaking of optimism, I read an article yesterday about how to teach your child to be an optimistic person.  I feel really strongly that this is something that I need to work on with my kids.  I also think that it needs to start with me.  In fact, I just caught myself complaining in front of Brooklen about the quality of gymnastics coaches that Hurley has. Ugh!  I am really going to try to focus on optimism this week.

This week has been really full of baseball, gymnastics, and more baseball.  All of the kids are doing really well and I am excited to watch them play their games.  Watching my kids learn new things and get better and better gives me so much joy.  On Friday evening, we went over to Hurley's coach's house for practice and a bbq.  The Menzies also came over and we had so much fun.  When we got home, we watched the movie, SING, together.

On Saturday, we stopped by the mall to see Zaya's artwork displayed in the district show.  Then, Hurley and I went to a flexibility clinic with Active Orthopedics and had a coffee shop date.  On our way home, we picked up Hannah for a playdate.  Brooklen played with Aiden Foster and Ethan Menzies in the morning and then he and Ethan went to a birthday party.  Rob and I got the garage cleaned out.  Before bed, we took a walk/bike ride and then made outdoor s'mores for the first time this season.

2017-Week 15

Today was Easter.  I was asked about a month ago to give a talk in Sacrament meeting.  I was SO nervous because I feel like people really need to "feel" something when they go to church on Easter Sunday. My talk focused on the atonement and honestly, this was the first time in my life that I felt I have really learned so much when preparing for a sacrament meeting talk.  It was really wonderful to spend time reading about the Savior and the gift of the atonement.  I can definitely say that I think my testimony grew in preparing for this talk.

After church today, we played outside, made a nice dinner, and took a walk.  For dessert, I made the Cook's Illustrated layered carrot cake.  It was delicious, but so, so rich!

Lately, we have been pretty busy with baseball.  Almost every night of our week is spent at some sort of practice.  Baseball season is short, though, so we are going to enjoy it while we can.  This week, Rob's car broke down.  Since it is so old, he didn't even put much effort in to trying to fix it.  We spent a very stressful week trying to find a new car because we really need two cars right now to get our kids to all of their different events.  On Friday, we went and picked up a 2014 Ford Focus.  It only has 40,000 miles and is in pretty decent cosmetic shape.  While the process was stressful (mostly for Rob) we are happy it is over.

On Friday, the kids also had the day off of school for Good Friday.  After we picked up the car, I took the kids to Frankenmuth. I forgot how charming that little town is.  We spent the afternoon looking around the cute shops and we also went through the cute mirror maze.

I think I'll paste in my talk below:

Elder Uchdorf told a story about the city of Dresden in Germany.  This city had been nicknamed, the “Jewel Box” because of its beauty.  In a very short time, this city was turned to rubble during an explosive war.  Many years later, this city has been rebuilt.  Elder Uchdorf went back many years later to visit Dresden and noted that the city was once again beautiful and vibrant.  He recalled one particular church that had been through.  The church had been rebuilt using many pieces of the original building.  He noted how amazing it was to see that the pieces of rubble had literally been picked up and used to make this building beautiful again.

Using this as analogy for our lives he said, “It matters not how completely ruined our lives may seem. It matters not how scarlet our sins, how deep our bitterness, how lonely, abandoned, or broken our hearts may be. Even those who are without hope, who live in despair, who have betrayed trust, surrendered their integrity, or turned away from God can be rebuilt. Save those rare sons of perdition, there is no life so shattered that it cannot be restored.” Today I want to share with you some of the thoughts that I’ve had over the past few weeks as I’ve studied the atonement. I truly have a testimony that the atonement is THE mechanism by which we can maintain peace in our lives and certainly is the only way that we can be perfect enough to make it back to our Father in Heaven.

Almost 2000 years ago, Christ triumphantly rode on a donkey into the city of Jerusalem. His followers awaited his arrival and laid down their cloaks and palm leaves as they sang “Hosannas” to their King. He had no expensive crown, no prestigious army, and no kingdom, but people had seen and heard of the miracles he performed. They had felt his love, learned from his teachings, and been blessed by his mercy.   

Despite his joyous welcoming to Jerusalem, he knew what the future beheld.  Just days later, as he met with his disciples, he told them, “I tell you the truth, one of you is going to betray me.”  Later, he would witness his disciples falling asleep three times as he suffered in Gethsemane, Judas Iscariot would betray him with a kiss, Peter would deny association with him three times, 

Even beyond all the pain he felt in Gethsemane and on the cross, he had to bear the agony of seeing his closest friends, who were most likely overwhelmed with fear, betray him.  Although he knew that these events would transpire, I can’t help but wonder if he really had any idea how much emotional and physical agony he would endure.

And yet, without that mortal support he always had his father.  As he prayed in the Garden of Gethsemane, his sweat came as great drops of blood.  He plead with his Father for a way for the agony to pass.  But it did not because it was essential to the plan.  The next day, as this man who had only ever loved and helped others was nailed to the cross he cried, “My God, my God why hast thou forsaken me.”

And then for a moment we understand that Heavenly Father briefly withdrew from Jesus the comfort of His Spirit, the support of His presence. Elder Holland explains that this was central to the significance of the Atonement, that this perfect Son who had never spoken ill nor done wrong nor touched an unclean thing had to know how the rest of humankind would feel when we did commit such sins. He says, “For the Atonement to be infinite and eternal, He had to feel what it was like to die not only physically but spiritually, to sense what it was like to have the divine Spirit withdraw, leaving one feeling totally, abjectly, hopelessly alone.”  The result of this for us is that because Jesus walked this lonely path all alone, we don’t have to do the same thing.  His solitary journey brought great company for our little version of that path—the merciful care of our Father in Heaven, the unfailing companionship of this Beloved Son, the consummate gift of the Holy Ghost, angels in heaven, family members on both sides of the veil, prophets and apostles, teachers, leaders, friends.

When I was about 20 years old, I learned an important lesson and I have thought about it hundreds of times since.  I was a young full-time college student living in the bay area and I was working as a  store manager for a company in downtown San Francisco.  I felt a lot of pressure to validate myself because I was young. I went in to work one morning, only to realize that I had made a terrible mistake.  As went digging to solve the problem, I realized that the mistake was the result of a domino effect of smaller problems that I hadn’t noticed and it would take several days to resolve the issue.  I remember calling my boss, who was tough and expecting to just hear it from him.  He must have knew thats not what I needed because instead of condemning me, he said, “There is always a solution. . . let’s work together to figure it out.”

The miracle of the atonement of Jesus Christ is that there IS always a solution. Jesus Christ made it possible for there to always be a solution, a way for us to pick up the pieces and move on, even when it seems utterly impossible for us to do so.  The Atonement cleanses us of sin on condition of our repentance. If we repent, God’s mercy is extended to us. And that solution is always available to us.  As we learn to break old habits and create better ones, we are allowed access to the blessings of the atonement over and over again. 

The atonement isn’t just about sin, it’s also about struggles.  In D&C 88, we read “He that ascended up on high, as also he descended below all things, in that he comprehended all things, that he might be in all and through all things, the light of truth; which truth shineth.” Because he has felt anything and everything we will ever feel, he is able to succor us in all of

our desperate moments, even those moments that we might perceive as desperate and other might see as not a big deal. 

Now, in the big picture of life, this problem that I encountered at work really wasn’t that big of a deal. Once I resolved the issue a couple of weeks later, there weren’t any real consequences for anyone, but to me, at that time, it WAS a big deal to me.  The great thing about the atonement is that I think Christ knows the immensity of our pain no matter how large or small it may seem to the rest of the world.  For example, I can kind of understand how sad and frustrating and awful my 5 year-old child may feel when they break a special toy, and by all means, I have sympathy for them. I do have some empathy for them because I probably felt that same way when when I broke a special toy when was a child.  But, I’m mortal and the fact of the matter is that my memory can only hold so many details about emotions.  I can’t completely remember how it felt.  Christ, however, I think knows how we feel ALL the time when we are sad, frustrated, disappointed, or spiritually struggling.

Chieko Okazaki did a beautiful job describing her understanding and testimony of this aspect of the atonement in her book, “Lighten Up”: “We know that Jesus experienced the totality of mortal existence in Gethsemane. It’s our faith that he experienced everything- absolutely everything. Sometimes we don’t think through the implications of that belief.  We talk in great generalities about the sins of all humankind,  But we don’t experience pain in generalities. We experience it individually. That means he knows what it felt like when your mother died of cancer- how it was for your mother, how it still is for you. He knows what it felt like to lose the student body election. He knows that moment when the brakes locked and the car started to skid. He knows about drug addiction and alcoholism. He knows how YOU experience an emotion versus how I might experience it.  Because of this he can offer us comfort that no one else can.

As you ponder your testimony of the atonement, I urge you to ask the questions, “how will I apply the gift of the atonement in my life?  How does it change the way I live each day? In Tad R. Callisters book, “The Infinite Atonement,” he  talks about the compelling power that comes from righteous, voluntary suffering for another. This kind of suffering for another is the highest form of motivation we can offer to those we love. Knowing that our actions may cause suffering for those that we love, can give us motivation to change our course, not necessarily because we want to, but because we don’t want to see them suffer.   In the case of the atonement, where the suffering has already taken place, if we know and love our Saviour, that knowledge of his suffering can motivate us to do good.  The atonement is a gospel principle that requires action.  Yes, the Savior suffered for everyone and yes, repentance is always available to us, but really, hopefully, knowing of our Savior’s sacrifice can motivate us enough to help us to avoid sin and then sometimes when we mess up and sin anyway we can access forgiveness through repentance. 

Brother Callister explains that suffering for another can have major impact for the good if four elements are present.  1, the sufferer is pure and worthy  (and of course, Christ was perfect, so he was certainly pure and worthy ) 2) the cause for the suffering is pure and just (and we know that is a given too 3) the recipient knows and loves the sufferer 4) the recipient appreciates the cause for which the suffering occurs

So these two elements are essentially up to us.  These are the action elements for us. If we know and love the Savior and if we appreciate his sacrifice for us and really understand the reason he did it, then the suffering can motivate towards good.

Brother Callister adds, “there was something in the Savior’s descent that made possible man’s ascent.”  He doesn’t say it made man’s ascent is inevitable.  Instead, it made our ascent possible.  It’s my testimony that because Jesus Christ atoned for our sins, we will never have to walk alone, always have the support of someone who has perfect empathy, continually posses the ability to right our wrongs, and if we have a testimony and understanding of the atonement, we will be filled with the motivation that we need to keep pressing forward.  As much as I was not excited to get up here and speak today and I still won’t say I’m “having fun,” I really appreciated the time I was able to spend studying the Savior and the atonement.  I hope and encourage each of you to spend some time thinking about what the atonement means to you and deciding how you will let it impact your life.  I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen. 

2017-Week 12

I'm not going to recap events today.  It has been several weeks since I have logged in here and I am disappointed at my consistency this year.  I am really concerned about having a good relationship with my kids.  As they get older, they get along less and they get more aware of all of my faults.  They roll their eyes when they are upset and they get frustrated with me often.  I remember being irritated and annoyed by my parents as a teenager and I really don't want this kind of relationship with my kids.  I know that teenagers don't always like their parents, but I am desperately trying to figure out how to tap in to each of my kids and create a strong bond with them.

I think with Brooklen, I need to figure out how to get him to open up to me.  I think the best time for me to do this is at night when I read to him.  I don't know how long he will want me to read to him, but I think I need to try to spend time talking with him at this time each night.

Hurley gets the most frustrated with me.  She doesn't like me to give others attention and she wants my attention all of the time.  I have been trying to read scriptures with her, because I get the sense that I really need to help her understand the importance of the gospel.  I think I also need to find time to spend alone with her, focus only on the positive things she does, and try to control my tone of voice with her.

Zaya is a pretty content and happy kid.  With the other 3 always vying for my attention, I need to make sure that I make time to create a strong relationship with her.  I took her out to lunch a couple of weeks ago and I could tell she really felt special.  I need to remember to not compare her to the others, especially Hurley.

Kait is the last child and I am working really hard to make sure that I don't get lazy with him.  But, it is HARD.  It is hard not to spoil him.  He is so cute and I am exhausted so often, that sometimes it's just easier to give him what he wants.  I've been trying hard to have experiences with him.  When I plan even little adventures with him, he loves it.

2017-Week 8

This week was Valentine's Day.  Since I am room mom in Zaya's class, I organized and ran her class party.  We had a breakfast buffet and played several fun games.  I felt like the party went smooth and I think the kids all had a good time.  I didn't get to go to Hurley and Brooklen's parties.  In the afternoon, I watched Alta Bills's kids while she helped out at Krew's party.  After school, Zaya went to gymnastics.  Later, Hurley went to gymnastics (they had a fun Valentine party during their practice) and I took Brooklen, Zaya, and Kaiton to the roller rink for the Woodcrest roller skating party.  Brooklen and Zaya both had a great time.  Kaiton fell asleep on the way over to the rink, so her started out grumpy.  He ended up skating almost the entire time though.

On Friday, the kids didn't have school.  Ethan and Kaitlyn Menzies were supposed to come over and play in the morning while their parents worked, but Ethan got strep throat, so they didn't come over. Zaya got to go over to her friend, Zoey's, house in the morning and Brooklen played with Jake.  At 1pm, Brooklen had a pt appointment and then Zaya, Rob, and Brooklen left for Gaylord for a weekend hockey tournament.  Kait, Hurley, and I ran to Target and then we picked up Hannah, who spent the night over at our house.  On Saturday morning, we took Hannah home, got in her mom's van and headed to a gymnastics meet in Battle Creek.  Natalie, Maddie, Sydona, Kaiton, Hurley, and I all had a great day.  I knew when I woke the girls up that Hurley wasn't feeling well, but she wouldn't admit it, so I took her anyway.  She got her first 9.0s on vault and floor.  She had a tough day on beam and bars.  I thought she did fantastic though, especially because she competed sick.  After the meet, we went out to eat at a mexican dive and then came home and watched a movie.

Meanwhile, Brooklen, Zaya, and Rob had a great time in Gaylord.  During the downtime between games, Zaya got to be spoiled by hanging out with Melissa Menzies and Kaitlyn. Brooklen had a great time swimming and playing X-box with his friends.